TRIGGER WARNING
I WOULD ENCOURAGE ANYONE CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR SELF HARM TO REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING.
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This is a tough subject...
But unfortunately it is something that is so common in our world.
I remember consciously sitting in my room at age 13 with a cork board pin in my hand. I was going to cut my skin with it on purpose. I couldn't tell you now the exact thoughts I was having. I was scared why did I just do that? I ran to my mom crying and told her what I had done. She encouraged me simply to not do it again. That was not the case, and every time after that I couldn't stop with just one. It was simply an addiction and I was chasing the high. The feeling of an open wound sent adrenaline through my body.
Due to my habits of being in a relationship got me in lots of trouble specifically with my parents. Sneaking out, sending inappropriate text messages you get the idea here. And parents, they do not miss a thing! This left me in a constant state of defense. We butted heads on everything!! Cutting also became a way for me to have complete control of a situation. By situation I mean my emotions. Going through breakups, back stabbings from "Trusted" friends, getting into continuous fights with my parents. My emotions were in a pulsing blender. Cutting was an escape a peace for just a moment.
Cutting consumed my thoughts and I became content with where I was. I had no desire to change. Depression was just my new state of being. I read books, watched movies, wrote poems, kept journals, listened to music all about cutting. I scared the people around me because of what I was doing. No one could really understand. I spent an entire summer in my pjs laying in bed in my room. When I started wearing long sleeves in the dead of summer, that's when my parents realized how quickly things had gotten worse. This was in fact the first time I had seen my dad cry. When he rolled up my sleeves to see my entire left forearm covered in cuts. Cuts crossed over the originals like hash marks (A technique I now use in my artwork, below). They took me straight to the hospital where I was admitted and was given two choices. To stay inpatient or join a day program at Philhaven. That is a whole other story for another time!
This is an art piece I had done in high school. My inspiration was the heart and how we explain our feelings coming from our hearts. Going through depression it felt as though someone else had control to my feelings. Someone else was turning the gears in my heart to grow cold and empty. To become numb to the joys of life, and never care to take back control depression had on me.
What I want you to understand if you can't relate to any of this is. Unfortunately for my parents nothing they did would have stopped me. Forcing medication on me, sending me to a therapist, admitting me to the hospital, making me sleep in their bedroom. I was always going to find a way to do it. I was never going to change unless I really wanted to. I fear that is the case for many others too. No matter what mental illness or addiction. The only thing I know that saved me was prayer. Between my parents and who knows who else. God opened my heart just enough for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I fought relapse over and over and over again. It wasn't life saving overnight. I still spent 3-4 years falling back into old habits. Slowly working my way off of the blade and onto vaping. Again a whole other addiction in itself. I still to this day struggle with the thoughts of cutting again.
Prayer is powerful and even though being cut free and frankly "Crutch" free took years. The people praying for me allowed my broken soul to realize I wasn't living. I grew finally tired of following my own self absorption. Realizing I didn't have to spend every waking moment so worried about myself. That there was a God who had greater things in store for me then trying to always measure up in humans eyes. That was the freedom I was seeking all along. A Purpose to Live.
Something everyone wants. A purpose, a reason to get out of bed, something to make you feel needed/wanted.
What is your purpose?
I can tell you in confidence it's the same as mine. To serve others, and to share the good news of God's love for you through your very own story. He wants to offer you freedom from pain and suffering. The freedom from addictions.
Psalm 34:4-7 "I sought out the Lord and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant. Their faces are never covered in shame. He saved the poor man out of shame. Go to the Lord he is every answer to every sorrow and hardship. Go to him above all others."
This is why I will continue to share. I wouldn't change a single thing that happened to me. If only to touch one life. If only so one person can feel the freedom, and regain the happiness to live. For one person to feel the unconditional love Of Jesus Christ. I would go through it all again to be able to reach you because God chooses to use the broken for his glory.
This is my first Tattoo when I turned 18. I am Forgiven because of the blood shed of Jesus. The semicolon is for the projectsemicolon.com. A semicolon is when an author could have chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the story if your life.
Please listen to another song close to my heart and my journey "Its never the perfect its always the ones with the scars that you use."
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