TRIGGER WARNING
I WOULD ENCOURAGE ANYONE CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR SELF HARM TO REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING.
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I wanted to share some of the drawings and poems I used to write. These are things my mom found in my room over the years. Self harm is a very hard thing to understand for people who have not gone through it. You may look at these and still wonder why people do this to themselves. I'm hoping you are able to look at these and see the true darkness I and so many others felt/feel. I hope you are able to find compassion even in the misunderstanding. I will warn you again things here are pretty graphic. Again I hope maybe this will help you better understand someone in your life going through the same things.
I burned most of my journal entries because my mom would read them.I used writing as a way to help clear my mind of really gory thoughts. Here is the only entry I have left.
"All I want to do is sit around and listen to music. I feel in a way empty and cold. I feel like thoughts are flooding into my head but I can't really think them through? Sometimes I just want to cry but nothing comes out. This medicine makes me feel uncontrollable. I hate being controlled and thats what is happening right now. I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I feel shaky and mixed up. I feel like I'm being Surrounded by everything and any moment I am going to lose it. I just don't know when. I feel chained to myself, stuck in my body. I feel like I'm trapped inside of hells walls, like my skin and flesh are holding the real me inside. Fooling the world with my tears, words, actions, and my scars. They helpmeet come across weak. I am starting to feel conquered by someone who isn't me."
I read this again and can hardly believe these were my thoughts. I can hear the devil in all the anger, He took advantage of me and my brokenness and fed me more lies. And I believed him, I thought I knew what was best for me. I was being overwhelmed by sin. This verse is so relatable to this time in my life and maybe it is for you too.
Psalm 38:1-8 "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and are loathsome, because of my sinful folly. I am bowed down and brought very low. All day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain. There is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed. I groan in anguish of heart."
Here is a poem I wrote again my head filled with these thoughts all day. Writing them down helped me to get release.
Her smile hides feelings never spoken.
Tears streaming down her face shows he hearts clearly broken.
Full of self hate and blades to spare.
She screams silently "Is anyone there?"
Though family and friends surround her with love and concern.
She still feels cold and alone, The feelings she doesn't return.
With little ambition to move on with her life.
Her hero, her life saver who took away her strife.
Making him promises she couldn't keep.
Every night she tired to stop, but it was just too deep.
On that night she took it too far.
She was rushed to the hospital and admitted into the ER.
With her broken vein and blood pouring non-stop.
Her condition was diagnosed over the top.
That night she slipped away in her boyfriends arms.
Thank you Everyone for letting me be so vulnerable here. These are some of my deepest darkest thoughts on some of my worst days. I want to encourage you all the more you share the better you feel. You never know who needs to hear what you have to say.
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