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I was 18 when I met &*@%$!. We met through instagram via direct message. I had just gotten out of some bad relationships and I was planning on focusing back on God. I remember thinking in my head. "Now this time I am going to make him wait on me". I had made plans with him to go on a date 2 weeks from the time we started texting. He ended up talking me into meeting him within days of talking. This was the first time I was already compromising my beliefs. He picked me up, came in and met my parents. I was very impressed right off the bat. All this being said our first date had already turned sexual. My second compromise to my "New approach to dating". We were both to blame, However, I knew deep in my heart this wasn't right. I had gone against my own words 2 times now and it had only been a few days!! So easily and quickly our minds can be swayed.
Ephesians 6:11 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil."
Months went by and from that first date on we spent everyday together. &*@%$! had just turned 21 before we met so the bar scene became the nightly hangout spot. I got pulled into that lifestyle pretty quickly. I drove him home drunk many times. He also had a habit of being a pretty angry and out of control drunk. As time went on we got more comfortable around each other and the warning signs didn't stop. Yelling fights were common, it happened especially when he was drinking too much. (Which was a lot of nights). Sometimes His parents would have to keep him away from me just so I could leave the house. I kept holding on though. I had been so used to just being at his house and being around his family it was hard to imagine leaving.
James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."
Things really started getting bad around 4-6 months together. &*@%$! started getting physically abusive. I specifically remember a time me and his niece (Who was probably 3-4 at the time) were pretending to tickle him. He got annoyed and punched me in the back pushing me off the bed. I fell on my neck... $*#@%* ran downstairs to tell his parents he was hurting me. I was crying in pain and I was scared. I couldn't believe he punched me! He grabbed her by the arm and threatened her to keep her mouth shut. He pushed her out of the room and locked me in telling me it was my fault he did what he did. And still I stayed.
Rape after rape he would make me do it so often I started getting microscopic cuts all the outside of my vagina they were so painful. I would come over after work and just want to sit on the couch and watch T.V with his parents... and he would take me upstairs. They knew exactly what was going on they would tell him to just let me be... They never stopped him. He would wake me up in the morning to do it. I would say no and he would flip me over and hold me down while I cried. I thought to myself. Is this really what love is? The way he treated me like an object purposely was what hurt the most. My confidence was gone. My self worth was stripped away from me. We would get in the car and his phone would link up to the radio and a porn cite popped up every single time. He kept nude pictures of other girls on his phone during our entire relationship. He would send videos to people I didn't even know who of us having sex.
Porn is a dangerous game. Expectionas become unrealistic. Sex becomes a game to many and nobody can live up to these expectations. They fuel young man or women's personal drive for more and more. Women become objectified but it's portrayed like it's okay.
“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!
I finally opened up to a trusted friend about what was going on and she was shocked. She couldn't believe What was going on. She explained to me that this is not love this is rape. It all just really hit me "I don't deserve this". She shared this poem with me by Rupi Kaur
"Sex takes the consent of two
if one person is lying there not doing anything
cause they are not ready
or not in the mood
or simply don't want to
yet the other is having sex
with their body it's not love
its rape"
Another one of her poems from her book Milk and Honey also explained how I felt. I was also to scared to even bring it up to anyone in the first place. &*@%$! would talk to me and tell me this is how it's supposed to be that I'm just weird, not normal for not wanting it.
"You were so afraid
of my voice
i decided to be
afraid of it too"
My final straw was after a vacation we took for a week. The rape continued, the screaming abuse and physical violence became unbearable. Once again I didn't want to have sex and that was a problem but I didn't have any fight left. What do you do when you give someone all of your trust. You give them the most vulnerable piece of you and they just shove your face in the dirt. I'll tell you what. You shut down. You lay there and take it numb to everything because he is stronger than you and he overpowers you every time.
Friends I tell you I didn't walk away right away. It took me over 9 months to put &*@%$! and everything he did to me in the past. I never know what is going to trigger me and send me into a panic attack. The first year was hard and I don't think I will ever not think about it. God gave me the strength to stand up, learn to love, trust and FORGIVE again!
Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
(I wanted to caption this single Photo because this was after my breakup and I had gone on a mission trip to Maine. I was starting to learn how to function on my own again. I was doing new things and meeting new people. I stepped away from myself to serve and it helped me alot in my healing process.)
I will leave you with this never stop talking about it. The more you keep it inside, the thoughts the pain. The more you give the devil power to tear you down. You didn't deserve for this to happen. You are not now unworthy of love. When we start to take control again and speak out about our abusers, and rapists we heal! I would also say my biggest regret is not going to the police and turning him in. I know it's hard and scary but imagine if he/she has done something to you it is very likely they will do it to someone else when you are gone.
Speak up and save another.
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